Mommy’s Inside Voice: My superpower and my downfall

Mommy’s Inside Voice is a bi-weekly column by Amie Jay, a local mother of three

Wanna know what really messed me up for the first … hmmm … 6.5 years of motherhood?

No, no, scrap that. It was the first 28 years of my life.

I’m a nurturer. An empath and a giver. I show my love through service, always going that extra mile to ensure those around me are happy and supported. It fuels me, giving me a pride in myself and my surroundings.

READ ALSO: Mommy’s Inside Voice – Santa is real

Yet, even though my internal coding compels to thoughtlessly nurture, I don’t point the tenderness inwards. I spread myself around, without pause, giving and working and loving until I find myself falling apart at the seams. I keep going until the love tank that fuelled my service is running on fumes, until I don’t even remember what I’m doing or why I’m doing it.

I push myself to the brinks because, without really thinking about it, I expect those around me to reciprocate. I expect them to care for me in the same dedicated way that I care for them. I just assume that, when they see me waver, they’ll swoop in and catch me. Picking up the slack, sending me to bed despite my martyring protests.

I would wait for other people to tell me that it was an appropriate time to rest and then I would get upset when it didn’t happen. When no saviour came.

Writing it all down, it sounds a little ridiculous…

Not everyone works that way. Their mindsets and skill sets lend to other affinities. Care-taking may be my superpower, but it’s certainly not everyone’s.

Today I am in bed in the middle of the afternoon. Cocooned under 3 quilts, wearing nothing but my comfiest granny-panties and my husbands T-shirt. A to-go mug of hot tea and a pack of supersized Twizzlers, watching orange-hued housewives with giant lips and stiff expressions yell at each other on my iPad.

Because, today, my gas tank hit empty. I hit my wall and even though I would normally just keep going, angrily chucking laundry into the machine and holding back tears of frustration and exhaustion, I decided to call in the reinforcements instead.

READ ALSO: Mommy’s Inside Voice – Linen closet super hero

My husband doesn’t bat an eye at the piles of laundry in the kids’ room. He doesn’t avert his eyes away from the grubby floorboards and has no problem flipping his undies inside out to steal another day in them. Attentive, nurturing, empathetic supports aren’t his “superpower.” He doesn’t step in to take over as soon as I start dropping my subtle hints of excessive sighs or harder-than-necessary dryer door slams. That doesn’t mean that he doesn’t love me. That doesn’t mean that I’m not appreciated or valued. It just means that it’s on me to communicate, then to pass the baton with trust and gratitude.

Unspoken expectations, frustrated tears. Exhausted, feeling alone and unappreciated. Looking at those around me with hurt, deducing that their lack of empathy meant that I wasn’t valued. When in reality, all I really needed to do was ask for help.

This is my downfall. I break my back for my loved ones, not realizing that sacrificing myself isn’t necessary or helpful.

My superpower needs to be maintained with balance. To pour my love into my family, but to hold myself responsible to…well…myself! Taking what I need, when I need it, from whatever support is available to me. No guilt, no doubt.

Today I need solitude. Multiple blankets, trashy TV and over-processed, chemical-filled treats. Tomorrow it’s back to laundry, Lego and scraping little boy boogers off of the stair railing. Thankfully, by then, I’ll be ready (and willing) to be superwoman again.

Mommy’s Inside Voice is a bi-weekly column by Amie Jay, a local mother of three.

Just Posted

Victoria police seek witnesses after assault reported by man in wheelchair

Cops hope to speak with witnesses near Yates and Douglas on Jan. 13 between 1:45 and 3:15 p.m.

Victoria dancer shares concussion experience in a neuro-diverse performance

Stacey Horton’s Concussion explores living with and recovering from brain injury

Olympic Gold medalist rower disppointed Saanich won’t host national training centre

Adam Kreek said also he respects decision by Rowing Canada Aviron

City of Victoria denies cannabis lounge business licence

Terp City Canna Lounge has been illegally operating for several years

Saanich strikes standing committee to help create citizens’ assembly

Membership includes vocal amalgamation critic Coun. Judy Brownoff

Trudeau says politicians shouldn’t prey on Canadians’ fears

The Prime Minister was speaking at a townhall in Ontario

B.C. chief says they didn’t give up rights for gas pipeline to be built

Hereditary chief: no elected band council or Crown authority has jurisdiction over Wet’suwet’en land

Greater Victoria Crime Stoppers wanted list for the week of Jan. 15

Greater Victoria Crime Stoppers is seeking the public’s help in locating the… Continue reading

POLL: Should people have to license their cats?

The Victoria Natural History Society has sent letters to 13 municipalities in… Continue reading

Thieves steal thousands from 140 Coast Capital Savings members

Online fraud tactics included phising and ‘brute force’ in November and December

Condo rental bans may be on way out with B.C. empty home tax

Many exemptions to tax, but annual declarations required

B.C. boy, aunt missing for three days

The pair are missing from Kamloops

Daredevil changes game plan to jump broken White Rock pier

Brooke Colby tells council daredevil event would help boost waterfront business

Liberal bows out of byelection after singling out Jagmeet Singh’s race

Karen Wang says she made comments online that referenced Singh’s cultural background

Most Read