(Photo courtesy of Rick Stiebel)

Rickter Scale: I can never apologize enough

The Rickter Scale is a weekly column

Rick Stiebel/Columnist

I’m white. I’m male. I’m straight. I’m sorry.

It’s probably best to begin this blanket apology to everyone I’ve offended from the very beginning. I’m sorry for revelling in the excessive violence of the cartoons that shaped my unsupervised childhood on Saturday mornings, even though I would have liked to see Wiley Coyote just once get his paws around that roadrunner’s scrawny neck.

I apologize for treating my body like a Play Station instead of a temple, especially throughout a protracted puberty and unfortunately far beyond.

I apologize to everyone regardless of their race, religious beliefs or ethnicity who were the unwilling butt of jokes I laughed at, shared or both, with the possible exception of Norwegians who somehow managed to escape my racist slurs.

I’m sorry for that as well because it’s probably only because I’ve never been to Norway or met someone from that country.

I’m sorry for offending anyone based on their sexual preferences or practices in public or private, especially those previously perceived as perverse.

I apologize to former employers who took offence to my constant questioning of authority, even though I always wrote “abuse of power” in the likes and dislikes section of job applications that would never survive the cut of politically correct editing today.

READ MORE: Rickter Scale

Most of all, I’m sorry for not being able to control that portion of my Neanderthal brain, a burden most men will carry to their graves.

It’s extremely important for me to apologize to the superior gender, and thank each and every one for evolving in a way that enables you to tolerate the long list of male shortcomings.

Please continue to find the wisdom, patience and strength to treat us as the works in progress that we are, and unfortunately will remain due to sub-human forces beyond our control.

Believe me, it’s not easy being us, although that’s still no excuse for our behaviour.

Finally, I hereby apologize to any Trump supporters, politicians, priests or cyclists that may have been offended in previously published Rickter Scales, and please be advised this applies to future columns as well.

To summarize, I am truly truly sorry for saying anything a single molecule of which may be deemed as offensive to any woman, man, child or animal, past, present or future. Do note, however, that this apology does not apply to Bruins, Leafs or Flyers fans, especially during the playoffs.

Please consider this column in its entirety hereby copyrighted for when I finally find the time to get around to launching that line of apology T-shirts I’ve been thinking about for a long time, i.e. I’m white, male, etc. etc. If I inadvertently missed anyone with my litany of apologies, I’ll save you a spot on the shirts. Right after I add I’m sorry for smoking.

Rick Stiebel is a semi-retired local journalist.


Like us on Facebook and follow us on Twitter

Just Posted

Esquimalt gives six-storey rental complex the green light

A new apartment building is set to go up on Admirals Road

Light up August with a lantern building workshop in Sidney

ArtSea workshops in preparation for Aug. 24 Salish Sea Lantern Festival

Colwood field lacrosse camp aims to get more kids involved

Victoria Field Youth Lacrosse hopes to inspire future athletes

WATCH: Our Place Therapeutic Recovery Community turns into a ‘place of healing’

500 volunteers, 120 businesses worked to transform View Royal community

A party for 11 pups and their adoptive families in Beckwith Park in Saanich

The coonhound siblings reunited at a barbeque on Saturday

Rich the Vegan scoots across Canada for the animals

Rich Adams is riding his push scooter across Canada to bring awareness to the dog meat trade in Asia

B.C. VIEWS: NDP pushes ahead with Crown forest redistribution

This isn’t the time for a radical Indigenous rights agenda

Two dead in two-vehicle crash between Revelstoke and Golden

RCMP are investigating the cause of the crash

Ottawa fights planned class action against RCMP for bullying, intimidation

The current case is more general, applying to employees, including men, who worked for the RCMP

Alberta judge denies B.C.’s bid to block ‘Turn Off the Taps’ bill

He said the proper venue for the disagreement is Federal Court

Canadian high school science courses behind on climate change, says UBC study

Researchers found performance on key areas varies by province and territory

Six inducted into BC Hockey Hall of Fame

The 26th ceremony in Penticton welcomed powerful figures both from on and off the ice

RCMP investigate two shootings in the Lower Mainland

Incidents happened in Surrey, with a victim being treated at Langley Memorial Hospital

Most Read