I’m white. I’m male. I’m straight. I’m sorry.
It’s probably best to begin this blanket apology to everyone I’ve offended from the very beginning. I’m sorry for revelling in the excessive violence of the cartoons that shaped my unsupervised childhood on Saturday mornings, even though I would have liked to see Wiley Coyote just once get his paws around that roadrunner’s scrawny neck.
I apologize for treating my body like a Play Station instead of a temple, especially throughout a protracted puberty and unfortunately far beyond.
I apologize to everyone regardless of their race, religious beliefs or ethnicity who were the unwilling butt of jokes I laughed at, shared or both, with the possible exception of Norwegians who somehow managed to escape my racist slurs.
I’m sorry for that as well because it’s probably only because I’ve never been to Norway or met someone from that country.
I’m sorry for offending anyone based on their sexual preferences or practices in public or private, especially those previously perceived as perverse.
I apologize to former employers who took offence to my constant questioning of authority, even though I always wrote “abuse of power” in the likes and dislikes section of job applications that would never survive the cut of politically correct editing today.
Most of all, I’m sorry for not being able to control that portion of my Neanderthal brain, a burden most men will carry to their graves.
It’s extremely important for me to apologize to the superior gender, and thank each and every one for evolving in a way that enables you to tolerate the long list of male shortcomings.
Please continue to find the wisdom, patience and strength to treat us as the works in progress that we are, and unfortunately will remain due to sub-human forces beyond our control.
Believe me, it’s not easy being us, although that’s still no excuse for our behaviour.
Finally, I hereby apologize to any Trump supporters, politicians, priests or cyclists that may have been offended in previously published Rickter Scales, and please be advised this applies to future columns as well.
To summarize, I am truly truly sorry for saying anything a single molecule of which may be deemed as offensive to any woman, man, child or animal, past, present or future. Do note, however, that this apology does not apply to Bruins, Leafs or Flyers fans, especially during the playoffs.
Please consider this column in its entirety hereby copyrighted for when I finally find the time to get around to launching that line of apology T-shirts I’ve been thinking about for a long time, i.e. I’m white, male, etc. etc. If I inadvertently missed anyone with my litany of apologies, I’ll save you a spot on the shirts. Right after I add I’m sorry for smoking.
Rick Stiebel is a semi-retired local journalist.