B.C. man writes obituary for Mary Jane

Rod Retzlaff of Nelson liked Mary Jane, but is not so sure about her son, Cannabis

A man living in a tiny community near Nelson in the West Kootenay has written an obituary, mourning the era before marijuana was legalized in Canada, and takes aim at how the drug is now perceived.

Here is a letter he wrote to The Nelson Star, a Black Press Media community newspaper:

Mary Jane was born in Canada in the late 1960s.

She spent her early years travelling around the country, living in small but comfortable nickel bags. These, as I remember, were large enough to hold around six or seven joints.

It didn’t take long for her popularity to allow her to improve her condition and take up residence in a dime bag, which was double the size.

READ MORE: Cannabis is officially legal across Canada

READ MORE: Four Nelson marijuana dispensaries to remain open after legalization

Mary Jane believed in peace and love, and enjoyed poetry and, of course, every kind of music.

She enjoyed her many friends and convinced them to take up her belief system. She was instrumental in the fight to end the Vietnam War, and did her best to assist Americans who didn’t believe in war to have the courage to become Canadians.

She always did her best to encourage her friends to move out of the big cities and get “back to the land,” and many of them did just that.

It was partly because of Mary Jane that Canada gained a score of highly principled citizens, many of whom are very high profile community builders in our midst today.

Some people accused Mary Jane of being tied to organized crime, and admittedly organized crime would have liked to have been able to control her.

But she preferred to spend her time with unorganized criminals, whose only goal was to make a living or subsidize their living to improve conditions for their families. The economy of the West Kootenays became very dependent on Mary Jane and her many friends.

She is survived by her only son, Cannabis, who is more likely to celebrate the death of his mother than to mourn her. Her death allows him to ascend to a position of much power in our society.

Cannabis does not believe in peace, love or poetry.

READ MORE: Smooth start to legal cannabis in B.C., public safety minister says

Cannabis believes in crass capitalism, and in helping people who already have too much money. He claims he enjoys helping people, especially older people with medical problems, but many of his claims have never been verified. He has no honourable intentions when it comes to helping rural families improve their lot, and no interest at all in making the world a more peaceful place.

While many people in Canada are happy about Cannabis’s rise to power, some of us are not on board, and prefer to mourn the loss of our beloved Mary Jane.

Rod Retzlaff

Glade, B.C.

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